I decided to delve into the epiphanies that my birthday's reflections brought and, sorry guys, but it will not be in order. Today we will be concentrating on epiphany number 2.
Marriage is not easy. Especially a marriage where both parties come from broken places. Addictions, strongholds, and unhealthy mindsets make for an unhealthy environment to say the least.
"I was self destructing, suffocating...though no one could see it."
My weight ballooned from 170 pounds before marriage to 217 pounds at my highest. I had an addictive pattern of using snacks and sweets as comfort. I devoured cakes, pies, donuts - whatever, I ate. I could tolerate the things going around me that I didn't like by eating my way through. Throughout the years, the lack of structure or focus to implement change (or seek outside help to do so) played a significant part in the continuance of an unchanged relationship. It also subsequently portrayed tolerance of each other's behaviors that, respectively, we both were actually not okay with. We invited Christ further into the marriage but there were, of course, still addictions present that we did not address. Unfortunately, because our behaviors were also culturally construed as acceptable, they held fast and eventually things imploded.
We were an easy target for the enemy. We were Christians who did the responsible things we had to do for our Church but we chose to neglect our marriage and, most importantly, ourselves. I cannot say that we even sought the tools or knowledge of the practical tools to fix ourselves and perhaps, subsequently, save our marriage. Seeking outside help? Cultural faux pas. So we existed. That was it. 'It's not horrible.' 'Other marriages were, and are experiencing similar or worst things than us and they seem ok.' These are the thoughts that tried to make it ok, but it wasn’t ok for ME. After some months, an advisor heard that I was divorcing and their first words to me were ‘Lita, you did not forgive’. I did not like what they said and felt it not to be true, but it did cause me to assess how I got to that place...divorce. Divorce was never talked about and was never to be an option but yet I did it. But I had had enough.
"I left. The geographical distance now became a physical mirror of what had already happened on the inside."
I had grown to hate the collective effect of our combined issues on our family and environment so much that it changed how I felt about him. It even changed how I felt about myself. I realized that I didn’t even love myself anymore. I started to hate my life. I felt trapped. I was self-destructing fast, suffocating...though no one else saw it.
I left. The geographical distance now became a physical mirror of what had already happened on the inside. I decided to focus on discovering me and soon had an encounter with the love of God, falling in love with Him like I had never had before. THIS was something different. The more I sought after God and started truly trusting Him with my pain - with my broken places - the more I fell in love with Him. And He poured His love into me creating a new, confident me. I like to say that I lost 50lbs without dieting, but I lost way more in unhealthy, emotional weight. I spent most of my first three years post divorce, fasting and seeking God's blueprint of who He made Lita to be. I realized that I did not even know who I was outside of the chaos that my life had become, and the numbing I created to deal with it. It is amazing what God will do if you give Him the opportunity.
I now know that I am loved, really loved by God...still. He really, and truly, does love ME – Lita Aleese. It doesn’t matter the ways, or how many times I have missed it. So I am now truly secure in God’s love, and I choose to no longer fall for, or settle for, less than His best.
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